He knew that it was all in his head, his mind was the one that played all the tricks and he knew that his ‘heart’ had no emotional attachment to what he felt but in all his intellect he could not help feeling a weight in his chest. He felt cold. It was like something sliced through his chest and was tearing him apart he knew what that something was yet he could not bring himself to hate it.
“The world” he said “is a bitch like no other. It gives you things and it shows you things, no sooner than when u realize what u want, it snatches them away from you and scars you for life.” When he said this to himself, he was not drunk, he never got drunk – “It makes me lose control over myself and my life” he said. A fool he was to live in a delusion that he had control on his life in the first place. Delusion and misplaced philosophy was what filled his life. He never got drunk , but this time he wished he had the one drink that could bring him peace for all eternity. He was broke and lost and dint know who to blame. All his rules he lived by so far were crushed in a single night. “I must clean my glasses before I look at the world” he said to himself. But no matter what he did the world can only look broken when seen through a shattered glass.
He was not a saint, he was not a sinner. He was just like you and I. He ate like you and I, he slept like you and I and he lived like you and I. But there was something more to him, he believed. Something that is fundamental to all existence yet something that people don’t talk about or think about. He called it love. He knew not what love meant. All he had was another delusion. Words put in his mouth by some things he had seen and some things he had heard. He never knew what they meant. He never knew if they meant anything at all or if they could mean different things at different times. He just knew the words and used them when he thought was right with out bothering about the implications of the words or the consequences of using them. “People should talk about feelings, not just words. You are what you feel and that is what the other person should know you by” he whispered to himself. The fool was mistaken again. One is not what one feels but what one does. Empathy is not a substitute for action, its a mere escape route. But who could blame him, he was all in his senses, immersed in his self built sense of control until now. Until the moment when the world came crashing down on him.
“I can handle this, I have handled worse things and I have come out through them. I will just work and I shall forget all this. Everything will be fine” The fool’s attempt at reconciliation. He knew very well that he could never go back to what he was yesterday. Nothing would be fine. Work was his best escape, his addiction, his drug. It showed him dreams, it took him from what is actually was into a sense of what he wanted but never could realize. He tried using his drug one more time. This time to cure his worst nightmare ever. He wanted to work. He sat down before the box and started where he left off the previous day. “I can do this…I will do this” He tried to pick up his resolve but the screen went blank. He couldn’t see anything, in moments he realized that it was not his screen but his mind that was blank. He forced himself to seize to his drug but this time his body fell immune to it. He closed his eyes and pressed some keys forcibly. He slowly opened his eyes with a sense of achievement that he could type something, he could work again, his drug had saved him. He opened his eyes and saw what he typed.LOVE. Gloom surrounded him. He sunk in his chair, with his head in his palms he sobbed a silent sob.”No one can hear me, no one should hear me…no…a grown man must not cry” – Another of his foolish philosophies that eventually broke him. He wanted to be heard, but couldn’t scream. The rules…rules he set for himself, rules that the society had set for him, the rules he lived by, ..rules and rules pressed his throat and buried the scream deep in his soul. He couldn’t get it out.”I can do this no more to myself. I went searching for answers and all I have found is emptiness. Id rather have lived in the illusion than face this reality. It is too much for me.”…”They will only be happy when I’m gone, i never have done anything for them except burden and trouble them. They will live happily now” – Another one of his mind’s tricks that forced him to do what it thought was right in the light of the moment and rid the world of his burden. A fool of the world he was, a fool like every other one of us. He ate and slept and lived like us. But he left with a reality that u and I can never dare to realize. True fools of the world we are!