Don’t ruin the Christmas

HanselGretel-1

In a week where the best memories of my childhood took a deep hit, thanks to The Nostalgic Critic, there was no room for another such mishap, or so I thought before I saw this one. Well, to put things into perspective, for some time now movie folks in Hollywood have played ball with some really great children classics and they have played it rather woefully. This post is a review of one such a thing that I recently encountered – Hansel and Gretel: The Bitch Hunters (Man, I know I am going to enjoy writing this one – especially for the way in which the words witch and bitch are appropriately interchangeable to describe this one!)

Before we jump to this IMDB 6.5 rater, let’s look at the very recent cock ups. The tragedies took off with Julia Roberts playing The Witch in the all-time classic Snow White (named Mirror Mirror, I believe) . Well, with her frog sized mouth, she did make a good witch. Though the movie was more a comedy centric one, it was kind of dume (dumb+lame). Then came Snow White and the Huntsman – The Kristen Stewart starrer. Snow White was portrayed as a magical, brave heart, warrior princess and also a mini slut. (Hey, don’t judge me here. Everyone is entitled to his opinion!) Whatever the reasons be, I just watched the movie to see Kristen smile – for the first time ever on screen or for the first time in her life probably. The movie, in its entirety was a disappointment. The next on this list is Amanda Seyfried’s Red riding hood (not little anymore): That chick who made out with Megan Fox in Jennifer’s body! Man she is good. No, not Little Red Riding Hood, we are talking about Amanda Seyfried, aren’t we? Coz evidently there is nothing to talk about the movie. With such great disaster history on its back, arrived Hansel and Gretel – the witch hunters and it dint disappoint. Like its predecessors, this also lacked… well a lot of things.

First, let us hit the good points, since they are too few. In my honestly biased opinion there were only three good things about this movie – 1. Gemma Arterton, 2. Gemma Arterton and 3. Gemma Arterton. Wait, don’t google her yet. Try to remember that chick who played Princess Tamina from Prince of Persia or the bond girl with sexy curls in the Quantum of Solace. (I know it is not very fair of me to ask you to remember those great flicks, so, now you can go ahead and google her). The hero who played her platonic brother was that guy – Hawkeye from Avengers…yeah that same guy from the Bourne Legacy. To be fair to the actors, they dint have much of a scope to act there. The movie was too bad and too fast. It being too fast made the fact that it was too bad a bit bearable. On a serious note (as if I were joking until now) the concept was a good one. We all read Hansel and Gretel  but never took the pain to complete their lives. This concept of them growing up as witch hunters was in fact promising. On the technical front, the FX and the stereo in the movie seemed pretty decent. Unfortunately the active shutter glasses and the crappy 3D configuration of the cinema hall made the movie too dull and dark. For a moment I though it was my eyes, as I recently lost my spectacles…but seeing that one of my friends watched the entire movie without 3D glasses, I realized it wasn’t my defect. (Tip – though 100 bucks might sound cheap for a 3D movie don’t fall for the trap… 3D in Q cinemas, ITPL is utter crap; wow that one rhymed!). Back to the review… kind of thing that we are doing here. So, Gemma was a real good choice and she rocked. (not entirely honest here). The surprise element for me in this movie was Famke Jansen (pron. Fam-K Yaanson) – you might recognize her as Jean Grey from the X men series, or the girl with the Georgian accent who seduces people before crushing their necks with her thighs – from Golden Eye or even better just google her. Though her bitch signs were evident from her earlier movies (The wolverine –cyclops saga), it dint strike me until today what good a witch she would make.

Now for the bad and ugly parts of the movie – The concept was good, no doubt, but it was like a good Christmas gift wrapped in a clichéd pile of crap and re wrapped in some more clichéd pile of some other crap and delivered with Gemma Arterton’s photo stuck as the cover. You get the point right? It was as clichéd as a movie could ever be. Very ordinary settings – the ones you have already come to expect. Very ordinary dialogues. Some of them were even worthy of being used by Tollywood movies. The few fights in the beginning were ok, but as the movie went on, they too became draggy and were too bloody too annoying and on top of everything else, too fast to make any impression. Coming to plot holes, there were too many… significantly more than the pot holes on the roads of Hyderabad – far too many for me to recollect but I shall try. First, the fact that the time line was not revealed did little help to the plot as the use of out of time equipment got really confusing and annoying to say the least. Crossbows? Ok , accepted. Guns? Ummmm… go on… Fancy Machine guns, Double Barrels, super shot guns? Hhmm… You are losing me mate. And hey there’s a gramophone record in the middle of the jungle playing with what I suppose are rechargeable batteries! What? Are you fucking kidding me? I might be weak with history but I sure am no moron my friend. Well, why don’t you give Frodo a Laser sight AK-47 and ask him to go teach Sauron a lesson or even better make Saruman conceive a nuclear missile and clear up entire middle-earth! Stupido! These out of time/ unexplained elements are just the tip of the ice berg in the story’s plot fails. The first act was very predictable and boring. Though it got a little interesting by the end of the first act, the second act totally killed it. Imagine, your sister is searching for you in the woods filled with witches and you are here in the water, stark naked, making out with some chick that randomly appears out of nowhere every time. And if that was not enough, the two leads reaching their old house simultaneously just out of coincidence and their reactions that followed were even more deadly. Wait, I am certain there was a troll in between somewhere…eh, anyways we’ll get back to him in a bit. The third act unfolds as the guy discovers the truth about his mysterious lover (as if we dint know already) and they magically find a book that gives them enormous power – in the form of more gun powder! Wow! The third act and the coming of a certain red moon pass soon, sparing us some real big pain. The one genuinely fun part was how the troll smashes the witch – The witch gets Trolled, quite literally; and I am expecting some real fun memes on this one (if anyone cares to watch the move and make a reference of it, that is). And then, the sun shines just minutes after the full moon. Now, who dint expect that? If you think that was the end… guy found a good witch, girl found a troll and they live happily ever after, nope, you are wrong. The horror continued, rather pointlessly, bringing the characters back to the first house – the candy house of the original story and there, the bad witch kills the good witch; the guy cries, the girl comes in and bangs the witch. And there is some blood, all witchery is put aside and they three start throwing pans and pots at each other and bam… finally, Jean Grey, the most powerful bitch witch mutant passes out away. The movie ends with a rather hilarious narration – voice over of the hero guy sending warnings to all the witches across the land that they would come and hunt them down! Ta-daaaaaa. The End! No, more machine guns and some kick ass angry girl music… now The End!

Well, on the whole, though the movie is a complete waste of anything that is valuable to you, watching it with a group of friends does make things refreshing, especially when you have a soda and caramel popcorn to partner it with.

Till the next one, Adios!

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